asian-invasion

I know I owe my three or so readers the report on Otakon Sunday, even though the convention was over a month ago.  I swear I’m not blowing my blog off.  I really would like to keep up with it much more than I do.  I just have issues.

One problem is a lack of motivation to finish because Sunday, August 10 is a long story about a day which went from being good (in spite of me and my wife having colds) to stretching well into Monday morning with the both of us saying, “OMGWTFBBQ???”  I’m not being lazy about recounting the details and it isn’t as if I could forget anything that happened on our plodding journey home from Baltimore.  Simply put, in my mind I see this as a daunting task since I am given to making sure such details are all included (save for small things like smells and sounds).

It goes toward a feeling of being overwhelmed by a task, as small or trivial as it may seem to the rest of the world.  To me it feels Herculean and I don’t know how I’m going to get it done.  In spite of the guilt and self-imposed pressure I feel from having left yet another project incomplete, those things don’t offer the drive I require to finish.  Unfortunately, this is often misdiagnosed by the public as laziness and I’m sure the moderators of today.com don’t have time to read any of this for understanding of why I haven’t posted here more often.

The Otakon finale is also being delayed for a reason I can never again attempt classroom studies in college.  I’ve tried twice, each attempt separated by about ten years, to complete two years of full-time academic schedules.  The result in the end is always the same.  In spite of having an IQ hovering around 135 and a talent for analysis and reason, my grades fall below the average standard for receiving Federal financial aid.  Why?

Lectures.  I can’t function in a quiet atmosphere with no mutual interaction.  I perform much better in discussions and hands-on projects because I am engaged in activity.  Lectures don’t offer any of that.  If any two-way communication is taken out of the equation, I won’t last ten minutes before my mind either wanders or races elsewhere while I make repeated failed attempts to take notes.  Before I realize I’ve zoned out again and snap out of it, minutes have passed and I’ve missed plenty.  Recording lectures and listening back later doesn’t help at all because quiet will kill my efforts and I’m too easily distracted for unrelated sounds in the same room.

Sure, maybe I could take the fated aforementioned entry in pieces and eventually finish, but about the same amount of time will have passed without a single entry.  I do try seriously to be a better blogger but certain characteristics of Aspergers make it more difficult than it should be.  I am in hopes you all will bear with me so I don’t lose the few readers I may have.

Oh, and I see that text field where I’m supposed to place tags.  That involves making a list, which is something else I can never seem to do effectively.  That subject for another time…

I’ve written before about wanting to write to this blog at least every other day but not finding the time or motivation in spite of the topic. There’s another reason I discovered today about why that happens which also affects my ability to get things done in the “real world.” It’s something I can only term as “overload.”

In the “real world,” I tend to either overextend myself in terms of obligations I have made, albeit not contractual but I have said it and so it must be done. When I realize I’ve gone in over my head, I feel overwhelmed by the weight of everything I need to finish and no strategy you can come up with will allow me to dig myself out.

For this blog today, I was going to continue with the Otakon recap and review with Saturday’s events. Then I thought of how I’m seeing more of my favorite Japanese music establishing a place in the Western music industry. That brought me to attempting an explanation of why this is such an exciting wave to catch if you haven’t already, which I’ll get to after the Otakon saga is complete.

After all that, I found a tangent to wanting to create a tutorial of sorts on how to learn the lyrics to Japanese songs. So far I have three subjects to cover because, even though they are all related and would be coherent to one article, I’m too easily distracted for such a long story. The mere thought of organizing my thoughts for a solid outline pushes me away from it all.

Finally, I settled on another topic on the way home from the counselor’s office. My wife and I have been seeing her since November 06. Since October 07, she’s been doing everything within her power to help my wife successfully gain SSI (Supplimental Security Income) due to a laundry list of disorders which won’t allow her to hold gainful employment.

Without going into detail, we now find ourselves staring down the barrel of a second appeal because the Disability Determination Board is too lazy to follow through the steps we need taken for my wife to undergo proper evaluations. If we need evidence of her conditions, she needs to be observed by professionals which I can’t afford on my income and which she doesn’t have (and isn’t yet entitled to) medical coverage for.

Anyway, my counselor was beyond unhappy with the latest benefits rejection letter. She began looking up phone numbers to the local “Human Services” and Social Security Administration offices. I already knew what was going to happen but I thought she should experience my pain for better understanding. After the trials of actually finding the right numbers, she was merely confused about why this information isn’t more accessible in the phone book.  The SSA number was a constant busy signal. The HS offered no useful information, never mind them having previously turned my wife down for Medicaid. Then she called her contact person with the determination office to find out what the next step should be but was sent to voice mail.

Visibly flustered and confused by the futility of it all, she had just experienced a part of my life which I wouldn’t wish on anyone. She is only beginning to realize the red tape and other BS I have to muck through when dealing with “the system” every time I change residency, jobs, or some other part of my life which might affect my income. It took all of about 20 minutes before she dropped the gloves and gave up for the time.

The only thing she could suggest to us was going to the local SSA office for a meeting with someone who can sort through all the garbage and help us figure things out. After explaining about how inconveniently placed the SSA building is in our city (off and far away from any bus route), she offered to take us there herself if we couldn’t arrange something else. She knows my wife should be receiving some kind of assistance after observing her for approaching two years and she seems more determined now to see that it happens.

The transferral of my suffering was unintentional, but I felt gratified that someone I know now has a clear idea of what I have to deal with to keep a roof over the heads of my and my wife. Previously, this appeal for SSI was more like a favor in the beginning which later became a mission. Now it seems to have taken the form of a cause for our counselor to fight for, as her anger over the latest rejection notice seems to have sparked a strengthened resolve.

I only hope this will help my wife’s case. We need this to work out in the end…

I’m making a concentrated effort to not allow this blog to go for more than two days with nothing new to show. It’s not easy when I’m given to being so easily distracted. It also happens that I begin a task, remember something else I need to do along the way, remember something else in relation to the second activity, complete the third, and forget what my original goal was.

I imagine this scenario leans more toward ADD tendencies than actual Aspergers. Still, ADD is part of the package I was left with. What keeps it from being full-blown ADD, I guess, is that I eventually remember some time later what I initially set out to accomplish. Sometimes it means missing a deadline, other times are nearing one which forces me to rush a finished product which usually turns out to be less than my best quality work.

Patience is also no friend of mine. If I don’t get the results I want or need when I feel I should have achieved them, I give up on the whole thing. It’s different in an employment setting since those I would work under don’t hold me to standards as high as I impose on myself. I want to excel and prove that I can complete whatever task in the most efficient and expedient way possible and still turn out quality work.

Unfortunately, this thought process prohibits me from taking on certain jobs. I am a tad obsessive when it comes to cleaning so, when I am charged with the task of any kind of cleaning, I find myself taking more time than anyone else expects of me to complete the job. I have to make sure every inch has been covered, no spot or speck remains, and everything looks as close to new as possible. Cleaning is something I can’t rush through as much as I want to.

These instances and many others make me appear to be slow, lazy, inefficient, or procrastinating. I’m trying to deliver the highest quality possible for whatever task I am given and I haven’t the patience for accomplishing anything less than “better than average.” No, I don’t expect the same of everyone else. That would be wrong.

…wouldn’t it?