asian-invasion

Perhaps I’ll pick this thing up again.  I know these posts should have a minimum number of words to them but I doubt anyone will read this anyway.  I’m probably not getting paid for anything I’ll do with this blog (a word I can’t seem to like the sound of) but I’m not gonna stress over it.

Just be patient.  I really should figure out how to overcome the part of Aspergers which makes establishing a new routine nearly impossible…

I really do want very badly to be better about keeping up with this blog.  Only my psychologist could explain why I don’t or can’t.

And this is exactly what I don’t want this to become: nothing more than a string of self-loathing in relation to my struggles with keeping to a consistent posting schedule.

So, in order to give you something to possibly look forward to (and to give myself a placeholder of sorts), here are just a few topics you’ll see covered in the not-so-distant future:

Gospel music…does listening to it put one on a faster track to spiritual salvation?  And was human evolution inevitable?

I think about things that should be left to the experts to explain away, but somewhere in my mind I make my own futile attempts.

Should someone with Aspergers be married, especially to someone with her own set of issues?  How can it work?

I write the songs.  At least, I have ideas for the music.  It happens every day, at least three times.  Is it inspiration, talent,…or just boredom?

You can come up with your own answers to whatever questions I’ve just posed here.  It would be something against reasonable odds if you can offer the same answers I did…

I know I owe my three or so readers the report on Otakon Sunday, even though the convention was over a month ago.  I swear I’m not blowing my blog off.  I really would like to keep up with it much more than I do.  I just have issues.

One problem is a lack of motivation to finish because Sunday, August 10 is a long story about a day which went from being good (in spite of me and my wife having colds) to stretching well into Monday morning with the both of us saying, “OMGWTFBBQ???”  I’m not being lazy about recounting the details and it isn’t as if I could forget anything that happened on our plodding journey home from Baltimore.  Simply put, in my mind I see this as a daunting task since I am given to making sure such details are all included (save for small things like smells and sounds).

It goes toward a feeling of being overwhelmed by a task, as small or trivial as it may seem to the rest of the world.  To me it feels Herculean and I don’t know how I’m going to get it done.  In spite of the guilt and self-imposed pressure I feel from having left yet another project incomplete, those things don’t offer the drive I require to finish.  Unfortunately, this is often misdiagnosed by the public as laziness and I’m sure the moderators of today.com don’t have time to read any of this for understanding of why I haven’t posted here more often.

The Otakon finale is also being delayed for a reason I can never again attempt classroom studies in college.  I’ve tried twice, each attempt separated by about ten years, to complete two years of full-time academic schedules.  The result in the end is always the same.  In spite of having an IQ hovering around 135 and a talent for analysis and reason, my grades fall below the average standard for receiving Federal financial aid.  Why?

Lectures.  I can’t function in a quiet atmosphere with no mutual interaction.  I perform much better in discussions and hands-on projects because I am engaged in activity.  Lectures don’t offer any of that.  If any two-way communication is taken out of the equation, I won’t last ten minutes before my mind either wanders or races elsewhere while I make repeated failed attempts to take notes.  Before I realize I’ve zoned out again and snap out of it, minutes have passed and I’ve missed plenty.  Recording lectures and listening back later doesn’t help at all because quiet will kill my efforts and I’m too easily distracted for unrelated sounds in the same room.

Sure, maybe I could take the fated aforementioned entry in pieces and eventually finish, but about the same amount of time will have passed without a single entry.  I do try seriously to be a better blogger but certain characteristics of Aspergers make it more difficult than it should be.  I am in hopes you all will bear with me so I don’t lose the few readers I may have.

Oh, and I see that text field where I’m supposed to place tags.  That involves making a list, which is something else I can never seem to do effectively.  That subject for another time…

It’s not that I don’t want or haven’t tried to keep better consistency with posting to this thing. I might have two or three different things to write about each day but I lack motivation and (sometimes) incentive.

There may be a few people who read what I post here and that’s okay. I’m hoping there are others out there who are reading although they don’t leave comments. I just can’t be sure how to get more people to pay attention and stay with me for this.

There are probably ways to get more people to see what I’m writing but I don’t know exactly what to ask about in terms of promotion. I usually put out a general “how do I” question and never seem to get any response. If I had more declared readers, perhaps I’d be better motivated to write to this blog more than I do, never mind that I should do so anyway.

I want to post an entry about how, in addition to having Aspergers, I am legally blind and constantly struggle to survive. I also have a wife to support (long story - don’t ask) which makes things even tougher. Gaining employment without the benefit of a driver’s license is nearly impossible if you add the continuing increase of the unemployment rate. Further discussion on this matter is forthcoming.

This weekend, however, the “missus” and I take our annual trip to Baltimore for the largest anime convention in the Eastern half of the US - Otakon. This is something we plan for all year, starting immediately after we leave the event. Now I’m sure you’re wondering how we are able to manage this four-day excursion on such a limited income. I wasn’t always unemployed, so during times of relative “prosperity” we made the necessary arrangements in terms of convention membership renewals, travel expenses (Greyhound has to suffice, as bad as service has become), and hotel reservations. As far as the latter, we book a suite and have at least six of our friends room with us to cut down on the cost. There is a certain level of panic on my end as Otakon approaches and, without fail, my checking account is somehow overdrawn when all is done, but no price is too high in order to kill whatever real-life stress has been building over the previous months.

…and you have just been with me on one of my usual tangents. I’m sure this is another reason steady employment escapes me. Interviews are hell because of my being unaware of committing this particular professional faux pas. Perhaps I need someone next to me to kick me before I go too far with that.

Maybe this is also why I don’t have more readers..?

Okay, maybe some of the things I encounter within my daily routines which I attribute to ADD or Aspergers may have nothing to do with either.  In this case, I may also have to wonder how to categorize the ease with which the slightest change in topic, no matter how closely related, will send me on the most remote tangents.  Then the trouble becomes stopping my vocal flow of thought.  Before I know it, I’ve monopolized another conversation and talked a subject into oblivion.  This kind of thing makes talking to me sometimes taxing and irritating for the other person.

On that note, I “feel” that I have certain OCD tendencies whether or not they came with the AS package.  This blog and my LiveJournal are prime examples of how exhausting writing a simple post can be.  I write the initial draft and preview it for grammar and punctuation.  The spell check is automatic on my updating program so no worries there.

I will then publish my entry.  I go to “public view” and reread it to check for redundancies.  I go back and correct whatever I think could be made to look better, cutting out unnecessary words or phrases.  I republish and reread.  It looks fine until I go back and reread it again a short time later.  I make one more round of corrections and rephrasing.  After one more “public view” I may (or not) edit the entry yet again.  By this time, I am sure someone who saw the initial post is wondering why what they have read is different every time they pass it again.  It’s only when this thought crosses my mind that I force myself to stop messing with the entry and move on to something else.

I have other small routines.  I lightly rinse the inside of any cup or glass, no matter how clean, before drinking from it.  I am also trying to prevent the possibility that there might be some kind of poisonous substance lurking there.  No, I’m not making this up.  Any condiments I use for a sandwich (mayo, mustard, peanut butter, etc) must cover the entire surface area of my bread / toast. The same goes for hot dogs.  When using creamer (only half & half will do), my coffee must be a certain lightness in color, regardless how dark the roast, before I’ll drink it.

I could think of a few more but I’ll spare you the litany.  As for this entry, I think I’ll publish it and leave it alone just to see if the universe implodes if I don’t cave in to my overwrought editing processes.  It helps that I have errands to run today that won’t wait another moment.

That all may change when I get home, of course…

I’m making a concentrated effort to not allow this blog to go for more than two days with nothing new to show. It’s not easy when I’m given to being so easily distracted. It also happens that I begin a task, remember something else I need to do along the way, remember something else in relation to the second activity, complete the third, and forget what my original goal was.

I imagine this scenario leans more toward ADD tendencies than actual Aspergers. Still, ADD is part of the package I was left with. What keeps it from being full-blown ADD, I guess, is that I eventually remember some time later what I initially set out to accomplish. Sometimes it means missing a deadline, other times are nearing one which forces me to rush a finished product which usually turns out to be less than my best quality work.

Patience is also no friend of mine. If I don’t get the results I want or need when I feel I should have achieved them, I give up on the whole thing. It’s different in an employment setting since those I would work under don’t hold me to standards as high as I impose on myself. I want to excel and prove that I can complete whatever task in the most efficient and expedient way possible and still turn out quality work.

Unfortunately, this thought process prohibits me from taking on certain jobs. I am a tad obsessive when it comes to cleaning so, when I am charged with the task of any kind of cleaning, I find myself taking more time than anyone else expects of me to complete the job. I have to make sure every inch has been covered, no spot or speck remains, and everything looks as close to new as possible. Cleaning is something I can’t rush through as much as I want to.

These instances and many others make me appear to be slow, lazy, inefficient, or procrastinating. I’m trying to deliver the highest quality possible for whatever task I am given and I haven’t the patience for accomplishing anything less than “better than average.” No, I don’t expect the same of everyone else. That would be wrong.

…wouldn’t it?